


Color Me Impressed -Kindness-

by FriendlyCactus



Series: Seven shades of dumb. [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Dumb parenting, Egg Laying, F/M, Feral and scary, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Monsters are real monsters, Naga Sans, Nesting, Reader's gender not specified, Reader-Insert, Red is an anger noodle, Sans has a questionable sense of hygiene, Sharing a Bed, gross eating, lamia sans, tomatoes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-05-19 13:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19358353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendlyCactus/pseuds/FriendlyCactus
Summary: Animals elected you their human overlord. Monsters want to munch on your tasty kindness soul. Then a hungry naga shows up at your doorstep asking for tomatoes.It seems a joke, but it's actually your life.





	1. Green.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Well, I have two fics to continue, I'd better start working on the new chapters!  
> My brain: But what if you started another one though.  
> Me: Ooooh no. Don't you dare.  
> My brain: Just a short one.  
> Me: Are you serious?!  
> My brain: Look, I already made most of it. Three chapters at most.  
> Me: When did you...?  
> My brain: I siphon energy all day to fuel these secret projects without your knowledge. That's why you're so dumb.  
> Me: Oh...

 

Green.

The color of grass, of leaves, of clovers…

What a stupid color.

You hated green.

It had ruled your life from the moment you were born in a small village of farmers: cats and dogs flocked around you, birds came to rest on your shoulders, horses calmed down and one time when you brought the sheep to pasture a _freaking_ unicorn showed up to put his muzzle on your head. The dumb thing also tried to munch on your hair while you were busy freaking out. That had been disturbing.

Of course, animals weren’t the real problem; sure, they were obnoxious and you would have liked to be able to walk two minutes without tripping on something furry, but what screwed your life thoroughly was the magnet effect your green soul had on spirits, magical creatures, and monsters.

As it turned out, kindness was a soul trait that made the person who had it very pleasant to be around on normal conditions, and very yummy if the conditions weren’t so normal and the trait was in excess.

And ooooh boy, did you have it in excess.

Supposedly, your aura had a soothing and healing factor that explained why injured animals tended to gather around you like you were the furry rightful ruler, but you didn’t have control over it, it just radiated from you and made you a giant glowing target for monsters in search of a midnight snack.

No one could do anything about it, not your family, nor your friends of fellow villagers. The only reason why you were still alive was that…

Why were you still alive?

Oh, yes.

Tomatoes.

Apparently, tomatoes were the ultimate weapon against spirits and monsters, go figure.

Not garlic, not salt, not religious symbols, not chicken blood.

Tomatoes.

With that, your existence was officially a joke.

So, that was your current life: living alone in a meadow, in a small wooden house so overflowing with cats and small injured animals that it was difficult to move around, with monsters and nightmarish creatures moaning not too far away because they wanted to eat your soul but couldn’t get close because you kept tomatoes and tomato sauce everywhere.

You thought that you were at the lowest low of your existence and things couldn’t possibly get worse, until one morning you opened your front door and found a long huge blue snake-skeleton lamia thing snoozing at your feet without a care in the world.

Rock, meet bottom.    

The creature lazily opened an eye-socket, revealing a white dot of light pointed at your face, then it opened its mouth and a forked blue tongue darted out in your direction.

“hey there, pal. my name’s sa-” 

You slammed the door shut.

Things.

You had many things to do inside your house.

So many in fact, that you wouldn’t need to go outside for today.

That thing would surely go away if you simply ignored it, right?

Wrong.

You kept an eye on it through the windows all day long, but it didn’t do much aside from sleeping and changing position from time to time.

It… didn’t seem much aggressive.

To be honest, it didn’t seem much alive either, but that was beside the point.

Why did it talk to you?

Monsters never did that, they didn't seem smart enough to be sentient and anyway always skipped to the "trying to eat you" part, so the fact that this one was actually able of speech kinda freaked you out.

What did it want?

Was it still there?

You peeked from the window for the hundredth time and _oh gods it was still there why wouldn’t it go away???_

A little before sunset, while you were chopping vegetables for the soup doing your best impression of someone who didn’t have a giant problem in the shape of a naga outside of their door, you heard knocking.

“Go away,” you said angrily out loud.

Knock knock.

“I’m not opening!”

Knock knock.

“Not. Opening.”

Knock knock.

_Oh for the love of…_

Knife still in hand, you slowly approached the door, half expecting it to being blasted to pieces at any moment.

“What do you want?”

There was no answer.

Instead, it knocked again.

“Are you kidding me? I’m right here! Say what you want and stop pestering me!”

Knock knock.

This… this…

Out of sheer frustration, and feeling like your brain was slowly starting to drip out of your ears, you knocked back.

See if it liked its own medicine.

“who’s there?”

…

“You… what… That’s what _I_ want to know! Who the heck are you?”

“ _you what that’s what I want to know_ _who the heck are you_ who?”

Yes, that was definitely your brain leaking drop by drop out of your skull.

You could feel yourself getting dumber by the second.

“You have three seconds to explain why you are in front of my house,” you said slowly. “Then I will start throwing tomato sauce at you.”

“… that was not very funny.”

“It was not meant to be!”

“the first part, i mean. i’m totally onboard with the second one.”

You thumped your head against the wooden surface.

“You know what? Forget it. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what you want. Go away. Leave me alone. Please.”

There was silence on the other side, then…

“nope.”

_Damn it!_

“relax, kid. i’m not here to hurt you. you could say that i’m what you humans would call your neighbor.”

“So what? You live around here in the forest?”

“precisely. now, considering that you are a human with a delicious kindness soul, i should technically eat you, because that’s what i’m supposed to do.”

You took a couple of steps backward, clenching your fists. You knew it!

“but frankly, that would be such a pain. i’m a lazy guy, and i don’t like fighting.”

“Good for you. Ehm, nice to meet you. Happy to know you’re not going to eat me. Now you can go.”

“well, not so fast, buddy. you see, i don’t wanna eat you but the hot season is ending and i’m going to be both hungry and cold very soon, so i thought that we could be pals and help each other out.”

“Yeah, right, no. Sucks to be you, but if you survived until now I’m sure you have plenty of tricks up your sleeve, so you don’t need anything from me. As I don’t need anything from you.”

“aren’t you supposed to be… ehm, kinder?”

“Kind doesn’t mean ‘stupid’. How can I know you’re not going to eat me the moment I open this door?”

“well, the fact that there is still a door is pretty much a dead giveaway of my sincerity.”

“Maybe you’re too lazy to destroy it.”

You heard soft laughter.

“you’re a smart kid.”

“I’m not a kid. I’m an adult. And I’m still not letting you in.”

“very well pal, i’ll let you think about it for the next few days. all i’m asking you is a warm place to sleep at night and some tomatoes to eat from time to time. as for what you need me for, i think you’ll see with your own eyes. see ya.”

 

Maybe you were weak, maybe you were lonely, maybe you were stupid (no, scratch that, you were definitely stupid), maybe your brain had indeed abandoned you to go have fun somewhere else, but you ended up accepting the naga’s offer.

Why?

Well, it turned out that the slithering son of a snake was able to scare away all the other monsters and hungry creatures, even though you didn’t know how.

You just knew that when he was around they left you alone. In fact, you didn’t see any of them at all.

How? Who knew. He didn’t tell you, and you were too grateful to insist on asking anyway.

So, that was how you ended up sharing a home with a naga named Sans, with the understanding that once the winter was over, he would go back where he’d come from, or at least outside of your small house.

He was… strange.

He mostly slept all day, stretching lazily in the sun and waking up only to eat tomato sauce and trade a few jokes. When the sun went down, he slithered inside and curled up in front of the fire, watching you and petting the small animals that had followed you home that day.

Sometimes you didn’t see him all day and then he came home with a dead deer for you to cook. You weren’t sure how eating worked with him, since his top half was a skeleton, but since he did put food inside his mouth, you considered it good enough and left it at that. Asking questions about his anatomy was often a way to, as he would say, “tickle his funny bone”, and the answer would be most of the time a joke.

Physical contact was a strict no-no at first.

You might be sharing a home, but personal space had to be respected.

The problem was the night, because the fire died out inevitably at some point and Sans had no way to warm himself up, so you made him a nest of pelts and quilts at the foot of your bed, hoping that would be enough.

It wasn’t enough.

The days became shorter and colder, and Sans shivered more and more, his bones and tail acquiring a dull and pasty color and the shadows under his eye-sockets becoming more pronounced.

At last, you saw no other solution and allowed him to sleep in your bed, sharing your body warmth. He wrapped himself around you, covering you in coils from head to toe and snoring before you could even count to three.

It was not very comfortable at first, but with time you managed to get used to it, and Sans learned to not squeeze your body too much and let a bit of freedom to your movements.  

Living with him was… not bad. He was an easy guy to get along with, and even though he had his quirks, like being too fond of practical jokes, finding human physiological needs hilarious, and having trouble comprehending that sometimes you just needed your privacy, you realized that you were growing rather fond of his presence.

Then, roughly one month and a half after you accepted him in your home, he started acting strange.

Well, strange for his standards, anyway.

At first, you had dismissed it like something peculiar but not alarming: a pelt neatly folded on the ground with a pillow next to it, food hidden in every nook and cranny of the house, your bed pushed completely against the wall. Then as the days passed you realized that Sans was rearranging everything he could reach. Which meant… well, everything.

All furniture was pushed aside, leaving a big space in the center of the room, all the pelts and even some of your clothes were placed in front of the fireplace, with a ton of food hidden between the layers, and a big portion of the wood you had prepared for the winter was stockpiled around all of that mess.

When asked what the heck he was doing, Sans simply answered: “dunno, feel like it.”

With all of your covers sacrificed into Sans’ “feel like it” project, you’d thought that sleeping would be impossible, but he was suddenly so warm that his body alone was enough to keep you hot all night.

In fact, you would have thought he was feverish if not for his assurance that he wasn’t sick.

Still, you were worried.

Then, one day, after you had been away for hours collecting berries and mushrooms, you came home and saw Sans curled up in his new nest, panting and groaning like someone was torturing him.

You left the sack beside the door and hurried to kneel beside him, hesitating when he turned around and hissed at you.

What the…?

You didn’t even have the time to process what had just happened that Sans relaxed his posture, laughing nervously. “ah… sorry, you caught me a little by surprise there.”

“Sans, what the hell is happening? Are you sick?” you asked starting to panic.

He was sweating bullets and his expression was one of someone in a lot of pain.

“don’t worry, i’m alright, i think i just need… ah… what did you call it? a little privacy?”

“You don’t need privacy, you need a healer!”

“told you, i’m not sick… it’s going to end soon.”

“End what? Your life?”

“i’m not dying…”

“Then what is happening?”

He didn’t answer you, curling even more tightly around himself and using his tail to push you backward out of his nest.

“Oh, sure!”you said angrily after being knocked on your butt. “Sure, send away the only person who could help you and who also happens to have a healing aura! Very smart thinking there, snake boy! Sorry if I’m worried about you!”

You got on your knees and crawled right back into his nest, climbing over coils and placing your hands on his shouderblades when you got in the center.

You felt him tense under you, so you started rubbing soothingly your hands over him, trying to focus your energy on your palms as you did with injured animals.

“Tell me if I’m touching something wrong, okay?”

Finally, after some tense seconds, Sans nodded.

You kept massaging him for what felt like hours, watching him periodically tense up and then relax, feeling the incredible warmth of his bones and ending up with his head in your lap and his arms wrapped around your waist.

What was happening to him?

You felt so helpless, so useless, so…

Wait… what was happening down there?

There, just below where his snake body began.

Something was changing… it was, like… opening…

And then, before your stunned and incredulous eyes, something round and blue pushed itself out of the opening.

Sans sighed softly in satisfaction, then he curled the end of his tail around the round thing, bringing it on your lap beside his head and falling promptly asleep.

W… W…

What the fuck?!?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I have a Tumblr now. If you want to come and keep me company, you are welcome! https://hugthefriendlycactus.tumblr.com/  
> Also, in case someone feels like buying me a coffee, here's the link: https://ko-fi.com/9friendlycactus3  
> Don't worry, I'll keep writing the same way and for everyone, don't feel forced to give me the big money, okay?


	2. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, after Reader has had the time to freak out in the comments, let's see them freak out in the new chapter!

 

Your house was small.

Why was your house so small?

You needed more floor to pace without getting dizzy from the constant changes in directions every time you reached a wall, damn it!

Also, your brain was officially MIA.

Sans had slept for hours, during which you had just stayed there frozen in place staring at him and… that other thing; your legs had gotten numb, your mind had gotten dumb, until finally the naga had shifted and gotten out of your lap, leaving your legs free to slowly and agonizingly come back to life.

Too bad that your mind hadn’t followed their example.   

“Oh gods… oh my gods… you… that… is that what I think it is?”

“well, i can tell you it’s not a blue tomato” said Sans stretching sleepily.

“Of course it’s not, that thing shot right out of your… your… since when do you have one anyway? No, don’t answer that!” you added when Sans opened his mouth.

You took a deep breath and put your hands on the table, trying to fight the dizziness.

“Sans,” you said slowly when you stopped feeling like your head was about to detach from your body and fly out of the window, “have you been pregnant this whole time?”

Silence.

“… seems like it.”

 “ _Seems like it_? You just laid a freaking egg! How is that even possible?”

“well, you see, when an adult meets another adult and they like each other very much…”

“Don’t. Answer. That!”

“you’re the one who asked.”

“I asked a bunch of questions, you’re the one who picked the sex one! I wasn’t even asking that! Also, aren’t you male? How does _that_ work?”

“well…”

“I’m not asking how you have sex!”

“seems like that to me.”

“Well it’s not! I don’t care about your sex life, I want to know how did I end up seeing a male naga giving birth in my lap!”

“… still sounds like a sex question to me.”

“Aaargh!”

 You resumed your pacing, trying to keep yourself from insulting various divinities with the many imprecations that came to your mind.

Finally, you felt calm enough to sit again in front of Sans and try having a serious conversation. 

“Is it gonna hatch?”

“it depends.”

“On what?”

“on if you get a sudden craving for an omelet.”

You put your face in your hands, asking yourself what had you ever done wrong in your life to deserve this. 

“Where is the fath… the moth… the other parent?”

“weeell, you could say that they… slithered away.”

You groaned in your hands.

“our was a ‘wham bam _fang_ you ma’am’ kind of affair.”

“Please stop.”

“that’s for the best, i don’t think they’d be an eggcellent parent.”

“I feel physical pain right now.”

“i’d never have thought that seeing me laying my egg would cause you a hissy fit.”

You let yourself fall backward and just stayed there, laying on the floor with your hands covering your face.

After a minute of silence, you felt Sans slithering on you, winding his tail around your bent legs and laying lazily across your waist.

You glanced to the side and saw the egg in the nest, sitting still and blue and squishy-looking near the fireplace.

“That’s why you wanted to spend the winter with me. Because you were pregnant and you didn’t know if you could keep yourself warm enough.”

“don’t forget the tomatoes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you more.”

“how?”

“I don’t know. Making sure you were comfortable and warm? Giving you back rubs? At least I wouldn’t have freaked out like this!”

“that was hilarious.”

“No it wasn’t!”

“don’t worry, you did everything you could even without knowing. you’re a sweet kid.”

You felt yourself blushing and shifted to your side, feeling uncomfortable with the compliment.

“I’m not a kid” you mumbled. “And I didn’t give you all the food I could. I’m rationing the tomato sauce, or I won’t have enough in the spring when you will not be here to scare the monsters away anymore.”

Sans chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

“you.”

“Why?”

“you’re cute.”

“ _Why_???”

He moved, shifting his grip on your legs and aligning his top half with your back.

You felt his tongue dart out of his mouth and touch the back of your neck. “you still think that monsters are afraid of tomatoes.”

“Well of course I do! Monsters never attacked me in my parents’ garden when I went to pick tomatoes and they always freaked out when I started throwing them! You’re the only strange one who loves tomatoes, and when you’re gone I’m going to need them to scare away the monsters who... are now staying away… because you’re… here… eating tomatoes… and… OH MY GODS, YOU SON OF A SNAKE!”

Sans was now laughing so hard that you thought he might choke at any moment.

“you’re so cute! how much slower can you be?”

“Shut up! _Shut up_! I can’t believe they were scared of _you_ from the beginning! How? Why?”

“well, when a hungry adult meets another adult…”

“You freaking _eat_ other monsters?? Is that why I‘ve never seen one since you came here?”

“i also eat tomatoes.”

You covered your face again and started rolling from side to side.

“My life is a lie. I’m alive because in the forest dwells a huge snake with a bad sense of humor and monsters are afraid to go near his favorite food.”

“basically.”

“How is any of this possible? You’re a lazy fat snake who sleeps all day, how did you even manage to build such a scary reputation? You’re male, how could you get pregnant? You don’t make any sense.”

“i already tried to explain that part to you.”

“No, you’re just looking for excuses to make sex jokes.”

“busted.”

You stopped rolling and sighed.

“Now what happens? How long will it take for the egg to hatch?”

Sans got off you and went to curl in the nest, keeping the egg between him and the warmth of the fireplace.

“i don’t know. one month, i think?”

You sighed some more.

He didn’t know how his own species worked.

Wonderful.

“Are you sure? One month seems like a short time.”

“i’ve been carrying this little one inside me for two months now, so it’s already formed. it just needs a little more time to be ready to come out.”

Oh.

Suddenly it hit you.

An egg.

It was not just an object, inside that round little blue thing there was a new life.

A baby boy, or a baby girl.

Sans’ child.

And you’d been freaking out this whole time, ignoring the fact that Sans was the one with all the reasons to not feel fine and dandy.

You were a horrible person.

“Look, Sans… you’re not alone. If you need anything, just ask. I’ve got your back. No more freaking out, I promise.”

“thanks, kid.”   

 

You’d have never thought that taking care of something that didn’t move and didn’t make any noise would absorb so much of your energies, but nonetheless, the following weeks ended up being the most tiring of your entire life.

The egg needed warmth, so the fireplace had to be constantly lit and that meant that you had to procure much more wood then what you had originally gotten for the winter; Sans slept all the time in the nest, but it was not a peaceful rest, because he had to be careful to not harm the egg in any way with his body, and also he needed to shift it regularly to be sure that it wasn’t too warm or too cold, or with the same side always exposed to the fireplace.

After a while, you just convinced him to let you take his place with the egg from time to time so he could take a rest and think of something else.

At night you slept in the nest with Sans, keeping an eye open to stoke the fire and check that everything was alright. Sometimes you just laid awake for hours, absently caressing the egg and Sans’ coils with soothing movements, hoping that your aura would help both of them to rest peacefully; in the nights when you did that, you always woke up covered not only in coils but also in small animals all cuddled up against you.

One morning, roughly at the end of week three, you woke up with three realizations in your mind: number one, you had truly fallen asleep at some point during the night and kept snoozing for who knew how long, so the fire had most definitely died; number two, you didn’t have the mental and physical strength to even open your eyes, let alone get up to rekindle it; number three, Sans was so tightly wrapped around you that you couldn’t have moved even if you actually had the strength to.

“Sans… the egg…” you mumbled trying and failing to open your eyes. Mission failed, you were too sleepy.

Sans muttered something with equal if not greater drowsiness from your back, which he had elected as his new mattress, judging from the way he was sprawled on top of it.

“What?” you said burying your head even more in your arms.

“i said it’s safe. i’ve got it.”

“but the fireplace…”

“it’s warm. don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?”

“yeah.”

 You yawned.

“What do you think? Is the little one going to be blue?”

“dunno, maybe.”

“The egg is blue.”

“that’s because i’m blue.”

“Oh. Have you already chosen a name?”

“nope. don’t you wanna sleep?”

“Do you?”

Sans wrapped his arms around your waist. “i do. you’re the one playing twenty questions.”

“I hoped to catch you off guard and actually get answers from you.”

“too bad.”

You sighed and tried to go back to sleep, but after a minute you started hearing a strange noise.

Like… a scratching noise. 

Inside the house.

Near both of you.

“Sans.”

“mh”

“What is that noise?”

“mh?”

“Don’t you hear it?”

“… yes.”

“What is…”

You felt Sans stiffen on top of you while your tired brain miraculously came back to life.

“S-sans…”

“i know.”

“The egg…”

“i know.”

It…

It…

“Oh my gods it’s hatching!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me (one minute before publishing every chapter): My eyes are bleeding from the constant rereading, but now I'm sure that there are no typos.  
> My brain: Don't worry, this time you did it. No mistakes whatsoever.  
> Me (two seconds after publishing every chapter): WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LIE TO ME?  
> My brain: :)


	3. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Don't do it.  
> My brain: Imma do it  
> Me: You said three chapters at most!  
> My brain: Now there's four :)  
> Me: Why??  
> My brain: Shut up and write.

 

The egg was hatching.

Okay.

Deep breaths.

You could do this.

You could stay calm and collected and…

And…

“Oh gods I’m not ready! It’s too soon! Why is it already hatching? What do we do?” you asked pleadingly while the egg rocked from side to side between you two and Sans just gazed at it lazily without doing anything. “Does it need hot water? People always fetch hot water when a baby is born! Do I have to restart the fire? What if the little one can’t break the shell? But what if it’s just moving and we harm it and…”

“relax. the little one’s probably tired of waiting and wants to get out early.”

“That’s a thing that happens?!”

“well, that’s my guess at least.”

“Your guess. We’re stumbling around on guesses. A kid is about to be born in my house assisted by two useless dumb idiots. Please at least tell me that you know how to raise your child or I’m going to scream.”

“you’re kinda screaming already.”

“Sans. Tell me. You know. How to raise a child. Please, I need to hear that.”

You were hyperventilating.

All you could see was the blue egg rocking and making noises and what if something went wrong and it was too soon and the little one was not formed or was sick in the middle of winter and…

Sans took your hand and squeezed it.

“it’s going to be alright, kid.”

You looked at him, seeing for the first time how tight his usual smile was and the way his eye lights didn’t leave the egg for one moment.

He was just as anxious as you.

“Yes,” you said, trying to reassure him and yourself at the same time, “of course. The little one is tough.”

You watched silently together the baby naga’s efforts to break free, neither of you letting go the other’s hand.

Two minutes later, the egg stopped rocking and a fine crack appeared on the top. Then another. Then another.

You and Sans were both leaning forward with your faces hovering a few centimeters above it.

“Come on little one” you murmured tightening your hold on Sans’ hand. “You can do it. Come on. Come on!”

Suddenly, a fragment of the shell broke and a tiny skeletal hand shot out of the egg; it opened and closed slowly, then it reached for the edge of the crack and began grabbing and pushing at it.

Finally, the egg broke in half and a tiny red-tailed naga tumbled out in the nest.

The world itself seemed to hold its breath for a second.

Sans’ baby naga looked left, then right. Finally, those two little red dots of light settled on Sans and you.

They were clearly not impressed.

“welp”, commented Sans, “welcome to the family, red.”

You wrenched your eyes away from the newborn naga to pin Sans with your incredulous stare.

“ _Red_? Seriously?”

“why not?”

“Because you can’t name your child after a color!”

“why not?”

“Because it’s lazy!”

“and your point is?”

“You can’t be lazy with your child’s name!”

“why not?”

“Because your parents showed a little decency and didn’t call you “Blue”, that’s why.”

A loud crunching noise prompted you to shift your attention back on the nest, where the little one was eagerly… eating the broken shell of his former egg?

“Uhm… is that normal?”

“yep. don’t worry, it’s good for the bones. isn’t that right, red?”

The new-named Red chirped happily back at him.

You groaned tiredly. “I don’t know why I still bother arguing with you.”

“you and me both, kid. you and me both.”

 

As it turned out, having an actual baby in your house was not a simple task to handle, considering that you had the added handicap of a full grown-ass naga who was more of a hindrance than actual help, mostly because he found it funny to watch you running around the house screeching after his little hell-spawn.

Red was lazy like Sans and spent most of his time sleeping around your neck like a little scarf, basking in your warmth and purring lightly like a kitten, but he was also a mean little shit who constantly bit you and put serious effort in trying to destroy the house and eat the animals that unwisely wandered in.

Luckily for you, since Red was very young his poison was not strong enough to do more than make your skin tingly and slightly numb for some minutes, but you had not been happy the first time it happened and Sans suddenly remembered to explain to you how on top of everything else he was also venomous.

Not that if Sans had wanted to kill you he couldn’t have done it even without poison, but still, it was a bit unnerving to discover almost by chance that the lamia you had been living with was able to kill you with just a nip.

That being said, as much as you knew about naga parenting, which was admittedly nothing, Sans wasn’t a bad father (mother?), aside from giving his son the laziest name on the planet: he always had an eye open to monitor Red’s whereabouts, and even when it seemed like he was deeply asleep in front of the fireplace, he was quick to intervene if the situation called for it; he also went hunting at least twice a week and he was always the one feeding Red, for which you were grateful, considering how much bitey Red became when hungry.

Those two also discovered pretty soon their mutual disposition toward pranking and quickly became partners in crime, much to your chagrin; unfortunately, Red’s idea of prank wasn’t yet refined enough for him to do more than hide and ambush you, but Sans was more than willing to help him express himself: that was why you quickly learned to never lower your guard and expect to be jumped even from places that Red wouldn’t be able to normally reach on his own. Like the ceiling, for example. 

While you understood that Red’s temper and habits were signs that one day he would be a great predator and perfectly able to survive in the wild, you were also sure that to preserve at least your mental health there needed to be basic rules.   

For example, if Red jumped out of a sleeve while you were getting dressed to bite your hand, laugh in your face and slither under the bed where you couldn’t reach him, you kindly reminded him why you were higher up in the food chain by waiting for him to come out of hiding looking for food and then strike without pity. That usually meant throwing a piece of cloth on him, roll it until he resembled a very angry sausage with only his head peeking out, and finally give him a stern lecture.

Then wake up his less than innocent father and give him an earful too.

You didn’t know how much Red actually understood when you or Sans talked to him, considering that he only expressed himself in chirps, hisses and sometimes purrs, but you believed that, just like a human child, he picked up your tone and body language.

His first actual word came when he was two weeks old and long like half your arm: he grew frustrated because biting was ineffective in waking Sans up, since his bones and tail were too tough to receive damage, and chirping was not specific enough to be recognized by his sleeping parent as a request for attention, so finally he screamed loud and angry: “MAMA!”.

From that moment on he slowly started using small words, such as “eat” when he wanted food, “cod” when he was, well, cold, and his absolute favorite, “poop”.

Just like Sans, for some reason Red found your bodily functions hilarious and you had a really hard time explaining to him that in some moments you really needed some privacy.  

When it came to calling you, apparently there was no need to use a word in Red’s opinion. Probably you should have been more strict and refused to answer him unless he started calling you properly by your name, but in the end you always gave up and answered just to his chirping and hissing.

All in all, Red was an absolute nightmare of a baby snake, but you couldn’t help loving him.

…

Eh, thinking about it, probably it was all that poison screwing with your head.

 

One day, roughly one month after Red was born, Sans was out hunting, so you two were alone in the house.

You filled a huge pot with snow and put it on the fireplace, waiting until the fire melted the snow completely and heated the resulting water up to a satisfactory temperature. In the meantime Red chirped impatiently from your neck, having understood what you were doing.

Half an hour later, you were bathing in the wooden tub, with Red floating drowsily in the hot water.

“You’re such a lazy worm” you murmured scratching him lightly on top of his head. “Isn’t it better when we’re getting along like this? Without you trying to bite my fingers off and me scolding you?”

Red started purring.

“Yeah, now you purr.”

You sighed and sunk even more in the water. “You know, my dad would like you.”    

“ded?” Red said.

“Yes, my dad. Dad. He says that when I was little and my teeth were growing I always bit his hand and that made him laugh so hard because I had this serious expression while doing it. Try to say it again. Daaad.”

“ded.”

“Daaaaad.”

“dad.”

You smiled and scratched him some more. Would Sans be happy that you managed to teach Red a new word?

“Yes, dad. Very good, Red! A dad is like a mom.”

_‘In more ways than one could imagine’_ you added to yourself thinking about Sans.

“mama?”

“Yes, mama.”

“saaas mama.”

“Yes. Sans is your mama.”

Red stared at you for a moment, then he grabbed your hand.

“mama?”

Not understanding, you answered him once again: “Yes, Sans is your mama.”

He hissed angrily and pulled your finger. “mama? mama?”

Now what in the havens had gotten into him?

“Do you want your mama? Sans is not here, Red, he’s getting food-”

“no saaaas! saaas mama!” he pulled once again your hand and wound the end of his tail around your wrist. “mama?”

Wha--- oh- OH!

Oh my-!

He was asking….

“N-no Red, I mean, no, just no. I’m not your mama. Sans is your mama!”

“no mama?”

“No, no mama.”

Red seemed to be deep in thought for a moment, then he looked at you with his little red eye-lights. “dad?”

Oh shiiiiiii…

 


	4. Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me:...  
> My brain: :)  
> Me: *nervously looks at the number of chapters that were supposed to be*  
> My brain: :)  
> Me: Okay, you win. *Changes from 4 to ?*  
> My brain: Yesssss!

 

…iiiiiiiiiii-

Luckily for you, Sans chose that instant to open the door; for a crazy moment you were so grateful that you felt the impulse to jump out of the water to hug him, then you noticed the very big and very very dead wolf monster he was carrying on his shoulder and your sudden enthusiasm screeched to a halt.

Unfortunately, screeching was something that Red was also fond of doing.

“MAMA!”

In the next second Red darted out of the water and Sans put the monster down just before he assaulted it.

“eat!”

“No Red wait! You just cleaned yourse… okay, never mind” you said dejectedly, watching him tearing into the raw meat and covering himself in purple blood.

You were never going to get used to this.

While you watched the same tiny mouth that only a few seconds before had called you “dad” now mauling hungrily something two times bigger than you, an itch in your Sansdar informed you that “mama” was currently staring quite insistently in your direction.

You knew exactly what he wanted.

“If you want a bath fill the pot with snow” you said pointing a finger at him before he could slither one inch toward you.

“there’s enough space for the two of us.”

He was right, but that was not the point.

“Nope. We already talked about this: I get my water and you get your water.”

“aren’t you supposed to be the kind one?”

“Sans, this water is dirty and barely lukewarm by now. You’re covered in dirt and purple blood and probably freezing. How is insisting that you wash in clean hot water not kind?”  

That seemed to give him pause.

These were the moments where you found it hard to understand him: he was so smart most of the time, and then you had to explain to him something so basic and simple as “if you want to be warm and clean don’t get inside dirty and near cold water”.

Sighing, you reached for the cloth you usually used to dry off and covered yourself as you stepped out of the tub.

You probably flashed Sans in the meantime, but by now it wouldn’t have been the first time anyway.

“It’s better if you stay near the fireplace. Once I’m dry I’ll get the snow and we’ll get the bath ready for-”

_Splash_.

You just stared at the grinning lamia soaking lazily in your tub.

“-or you can freaking ignore everything I just said, I suppose.”

“care to join me?” he said extending a skeletal hand toward you.

“Heck no. Enjoy your dirty, cold and now bloody bath by yourself. It’s all yours.”

 

One hour later you were both sitting in front of the fireplace.

Or better yet _you_ were sitting. Sans was wrapped around you while you tried and failed to keep his cold hands from burrowing under your clothes to touch the warm skin of your back. You cursed from the horrible freezing sensation, Sans laughed and then you sighed and began stroking his head (that was currently pressed to your chest), sharing your body warmth with him.

Behind you, Red was alternating between eating and napping.

“He’s always so hungry. Is it normal?”

“eh, don’t worry, it’s because he’s growing up. did he give you any trouble this morning?”

Welp, time to spill the beans.

“Uuhm… I think there may be a tiny problem.”

“what problem?” asked Sans drowsily.

“Re-” you interrupted yourself and looked behind you, where Red the now purple naga seemed totally immersed in his disgusting lunch. Still, kids had the obnoxious ability to hear everything they shouldn’t. “The kid thinks I’m his parent.”

Sans got very still around you.

“well”, he said carefully, “i can’t say that i blame him. it’s a logical conclusion.”

“It’s my fault, I should have thought about this. How are we going to explain it to him? If he begins calling me dad or mom how are we going to tell him to stop?”

When Sans answered you, he did it with a tone that on anyone else you would have defined hesitant.

“would it be so bad?”

You blinked and looked down at the top of his skull; the way he was facing prevented you from seeing his expression, though.

“What?”

“him calling you mom or dad. would it be bad?”

…

What?

“Well, it’s not the end of the world,” you said carefully, “I mean, okay, it’s just a word, I could simply not answer him if he calls me that or I could try to correct him, but he’ll still think…”

“so what if he does? you like him.”

You like him.

_You like him._

 “Are you kidding me? Of course I like him. I love him! But what about when you return to your home in the forest and he wants to know why I’m not coming with you?”

“don’t you think it’s a bit late for that? he’s already fond of you anyway.”

_He’s already fond of you anyway._

_Anyway._   

The words burned their way inside of your chest and settled there like a poisonous snake.

“So I should make it worse by letting him believe I’m his parent?”

“no, you should, you know. stay with us.”

He was still not looking at you.

_Really Sans? Still playing games even now?_

Very well. He was not the only one who could play the dumb card.

“In the forest? Are you serious?”

“i mean here. we could stay here, or around here i guess, if you don’t want us in your home all year.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that he isn’t stupid and sooner or later he’ll realize that I can’t possibly be his parent, and what will we tell him?”

“that he’s adopted?”

“Why can’t you take this seriously?”

“why can’t you take it less seriously?”

“Because I can’t adopt a kid just like that! What if this summer or the next you find a naga you want to be with? Are you going to take Red away telling him you found a new mom or dad?”

_Look at me, Sans!_

“that’s not going to happen.”

_Tell me why!_

“You don’t know that!”

_Say it, please._

“yes i do.”

_Why?_

A loud splash announced that Red had finished his meal and found his way back to the tub.

“mama! dad! no yell!”

“yeah _dad_ , no yell.”

“Shut up, _mama_. I’m not done talking about this.”

Yeah, you weren’t done, but apparently Sans was, because he did exactly the same thing he did every time he didn’t want to speak about something: he fell promptly asleep.

 

That night you laid awake in the nest on Sans’ coils, with Red sleeping curled up on your chest.

You were not stupid.

Or, well, you hoped you weren’t.

Somewhere during your building friendship, you and Sans had begun tiptoeing around each other, and not about who got to bathe first or how much “Red” was a stupid name.

Friends didn’t sleep together every night all curled up in one bed (nest).

As a matter of fact, friends didn’t build their nests with the other’s clothes.

Friends didn’t try to bathe together.

A friend didn’t usually let the other see them naked or touch them under their clothes either.

And you were pretty sure that a friend wouldn’t lick the other’s neck.

You sighed and tried to find a better position without waking up neither Sans nor Red.

The thing was, you could find a perfect innocent answer for all the things you just mentioned: you were human and Sans was a naga, so your point of view was different. He was naked all the time, so why would your unclothed body upset him? He was always cold, so of course you slept together and he tried to touch your warm skin. Snakes used the tongue to catch smells, so of course a naga would do the same. You were kind, so of course you let him do all he needed to stay healthy and comfortable.

But, as you said before, you were not stupid.

Sans didn’t look at you like you were his bestie.

You didn’t feel particularly _friendly_ when he put his face in the crook of your neck while sleeping.

Your first thought wasn’t “Wow, he’s such a good friend!” when he took a slice from the dried tomato you were cutting and slowly fed it to you while staring intently at your lips.

As you were sure “friend” wasn’t the word Sans applied to you in his mind every time you massaged his bones and tail with your hands coated in your soothing aura.

Neither of you had ever said or done anything explicit: he didn’t call you “hot stuff”, you didn’t offer to make your massages a “complete experience”, he didn’t let his hands wander down your pants, you didn’t lick him back and he didn’t wave around sausages making puns about snake junks.

In fact, today’s argument had been the closest either of you had ever been to mention the growing strange tension between you two.       

Why?

Was it because there was Red around?

Who were you kidding, the little noodle of anger and purrs was already calling you dad, so you smooching his “mama” would not be strange from his point of view.

Also, this thing between you and Sans started before Red was even born.

Was it because you were from different species?

Well, cultural misunderstanding was surely a thing that could happen, but you were pretty sure that “bedroom eyes” was a language everyone spoke without any difficulty, and both you and Sans were apparently very fluent in it.

To be honest, bones and scales were not the first things that jumped on your mind when thinking about sexiness, not mentioning the fact that he was big and poisonous and probably built especially to eat other big things. Like humans.

The same went for Sans: physically speaking, for him you were probably like a noisy slice of cake that walked around on two legs, so not exactly romance material.

So, why were you attracted to him?

Well, for starters he had a very deep voice that sent shivers down your back whenever he managed to abstain from his damned puns.

He was also very smart: you spent many snowy days just talking about the forest and its inhabitants, about the stars, about human culture; after witnessing on a couple of occasions the way he looked at the few books you had in your house, you had proposed to teach him how to read, and after only two days he was already able to do it much faster than you.

He kept you safe from other monsters, he was a loving father in his own way and, even if it pained you greatly to admit it, he was funny.

So why neither of you was able to make a decisive move or say something explicit?

You turned around once more, keeping a steadying hand on Red to avoid jostling him too much, and ended up with him grumbling in his sleep and coiling himself around your arm, slithering up your sleeve and settling his head on your chest.

Your new position put you face to face with Sans, both of you using one of his coils as a cushion.

His regular breathing lulled you to sleep before you could find an answer to your own question.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Seriously, how much more?  
> My brain: Are you in a hurry?  
> Me: It's just that I'd like to finish a series once in a while.  
> My brain: Then why don't you write one-shots?  
> Me: BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET ME!  
> My brain: Oooops, my bad. :)  
> Me: Aaargh!


End file.
